Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

Your family is so poor... when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped on a roach and your whole family came out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!"

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The new mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses!"

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...


1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

3. You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

4. Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

5. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

6. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

7. Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

8. You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

9. Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.


10. Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

11. Your pet rock snaps at you.

12. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

13. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

Stupid Criminals

Underage Drinking A man walked into a convenience store with a gun and demanded that the cashier put all the money from the register into a bag. The teller did. Then the man saw a bottle of Scotch behind the counter and told the cashier to give it to him. The cashier refused and said she did not believe he was over 21. The man insisted that he was. The cashier held her ground. Finally, the man took out his driver's license and showed it to her. The cashier looked it over carefully and sure enough, he was over 21. She gave him the Scotch and the man left. Two hours later he was arrested after she called the police with his name and address.

 

Joy Ride Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

 

Robbing a Liquor Store A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexi Glass. The whole thing was caught on video tape.

 

Speeding Ticket A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.

 

Don't Be Nervous A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner mover, the startled robber shot him.

 

This One's Not a Criminal, But Still Pretty Dumb Too Dumb For Words A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.